


Nightmare

by dontlietomehoney



Category: Marianas Trench
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-26
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-10 02:48:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1153861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontlietomehoney/pseuds/dontlietomehoney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh has a nightmare where he remembers what it felt like to drag a blade across his skin, and wakes up to bile in his throat. Matt hears him and comes to see if he is alright, and winds up holding the singer in his bed until they both fall back to sleep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING-mentions of self-harm. Please read with caution.

Josh’s vision cut in and out, blurring around the edges as he tried to focus on anything besides the razor lying on the tiled bathroom floor in front of him. The sharp edges were blotted with red, the liquid splattered from where the blade had fallen from Ramsay’s fingertips. It looked so harmless, just lying there. Josh’s breath hitched in his lungs, the panic, the need building inside him.

 

            He squeezed his eyes shut; trying to fight the urges he knew he shouldn’t have, not anymore. He should be better, that’s what rehab is for, right? He shouldn’t want to hurt himself anymore; he should want to be healthy.

 

            _Why am I doing this again?_

 

            He watched his hand reach forward again; his fingers shaking as they got closer, and pull the small blade into his grasp.

 

            _I shouldn’t do this…_

His vision blurred again, making it harder to choose a clean slate on his own skin. Already there was a collection of bright red marks on Josh’s thighs, high near his hips, an easier place to hide his addiction. He pressed the blade to his flesh, not yet breaking the skin, holding it there and savoring the moment before it happened, before it took away his sanity. Drawing in a deep breath he pressed deeper, pulling the razor across his skin, ripping it open, allowing the blood to flow free, to trail down his leg and onto the porcelain of the bathroom floor.

 

            Releasing a ragged breath Josh opened his eyes again, and the clarity he found there was frightening. He could make out each cut he had made, see every little pool of blood, every smear along the sharp edged blade. And yet, he felt nothing. Josh could only feel the slight burn that remained in the shallow, red cuts.

 

            _I need more. Oh, God, I need more…_

            Without another thought he brought the razor to his wrist, territory he had never marred before. His skin was so pale it nearly matched the tiles below him. It was perfect. It would give him just what he needed. Josh’s hands stopped shaking, his breathing evened out, and his vision remained clear. And then it was done, the blade run through the once untouched skin making it dirty, stained now with the red fluid that leaked down his forearm.

 

            Josh remained motionless. He felt nothing.

 

            _Why didn’t it work? That should have been enough… Why wasn’t it enough?!_

Furious, Josh let out a roar, the sound ripping from his lungs and catching the edges of his throat. He raised the blade again and again, tearing at his skin, trying to feel…anything. His blood flowed angrily from the open wounds, splashing against any surface it reached as it fell away from his body. Josh couldn’t stop, didn’t want to stop anymore, he had to continue, had to feel something. But he had nothing left.

 

*          *          *

 

            Josh awoke with a start, a scream lodged in his throat, bile rising to his tongue and making him gag. He quickly threw his feet over the edge of his bed and ran to the bathroom, hoping to make it to the toilet before he lost it all over the carpet. The seat having been left up he was able to get there in time. His stomach heaved, emptied into the basin of the toilet, and didn’t stop. Josh had dropped to his knees and surrendered to his body’s violent reaction to his nightmare.

 

He didn’t fight it as another round of heaves racked his body even when he was running on empty. The motion made him choke and tears ran down his cheeks as he tried to stay upright. He hoped he didn’t wake the others, Ian, Mike, and Matt; his band members. That was the danger of living with them in the designated ‘band house,’ there was never any privacy, the fact proved when Josh heard the bathroom door open as he was closing lid and flushing the remnants of his nightmare down the toilet.

 

“Are you okay?” Matt’s soft voice asked. It was clear he had just woken up.

 

            Josh struggled to his feet, his limbs weak and his body shaky, before nodding. He moved to the sink to rinse his mouth out and ignored his friend in the doorway. After getting the taste of the vomit from his tongue Josh looked up into the mirror and saw what his friend had been looking at for the last minute or so. His skin was pale and a slight sheen of sweat had formed on his brow, dark smudges rested just under his tired eyes, and his trembling was showing no sign of stopping.

 

            Josh could see Matt standing behind him in the mirror and spoke to him, his voice raspy, “I’m fine. You can go back to bed.”

 

            Matt scoffed, “Right, you look fine. And by the way, throwing up at four in the morning? Super healthy. I might just pick it up to be in on the trend, get on the cover of Health Magazine. You know what I mean?”

 

            Josh let his head hang from his shoulders. “Four in the morning?” He asked softly.

 

            Matt sighed and replied in a tone just as soft, “Yeah, it was pretty bad huh? You wanna talk about it?” He knew, just like all of the other band members did, how bad Josh’s nightmares could get.

 

            “Yes, it was bad. No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

            “You sure? You know I’m always here to listen, man. Anytime.”

 

            Josh smiled slightly before nodding. When he tried to stand up straight though, he swayed on his feet and Matt rushed to his side. The younger man’s hands were firm around Josh’s waist as he held the taller man up.

 

            “You need to lie down. I’ll take you to your room.”

 

            Josh tried to shake his head but had to stop when the room began to tilt, “You don’t need to do that.”

 

            Matt laughed, “You can’t even stand on your own right now Ramsay. I’m getting you into bed before you fall over and hurt yourself more.”

 

            Josh was sure his friend didn’t mean those words the way he had taken them, “Getting me into bed huh? Didn’t even buy me dinner first.” Josh was stunned that the words had slipped through his mouth before he could stop them.

 

            Matt gave him a sideways glance and smirked. “Yeah, well, I doubt you would have been able to keep it down anyways, hot stuff. C’mon, you need to try and get some more sleep.”

 

            Josh flushed at his friend’s words. He was shocked that the shorter man had not been offended by his offhand attempt to make his attraction known. He had never said the words aloud but was glad to see that the idea, at least in joke form, had not scared Matt away. And he had even called Josh hot stuff. The playful jab made Josh smile.

 

            They were moving slowly as Matt led Josh back down the hall. It was still dark but both men knew the way and didn’t need any light. It seemed like the trip had taken hours for Josh and he was panting by the time he crossed the threshold of his room. Exhaustion hit him hard but even then he didn’t want to close his eyes again, didn’t want to see his nightmare unfold and repeat. The thought of seeing it again made him panic, his breath coming out in quick gasps and his legs giving out beneath him.

 

Matt was shocked by the sudden change, his arms pulling hard on the dead weight Josh had become when he could no longer support himself. The taller man was terrified, in a full blown panic attack. Matt didn’t know what to do as tears started to stream down Josh’s cheeks, his chest heaving, and his body trembling. He even let out a whimper that broke Matt’s heart. He couldn’t leave his friend like this, he just couldn’t. He set Josh down securely at the foot of his bed, Matt not wanting to risk his friend falling off the edge of the small mattress, and he watched his friend fall in on himself.

 

Josh couldn’t breathe; he held his legs close to his chest and buried his face in his knees. His hands were shaking too badly to wipe his tears away anyways. He felt Matt’s hands on his shoulders but wasn’t sure why.

 

“Josh? Josh are you okay? You need to breathe for me honey. Please, breathe for me.” Matt’s voice was strained. He wasn’t reaching his friend and the wrenching gasps coming from the taller man were beginning to frighten Matt more than the panic attack itself was.

 

“I ca- I can- t bre-” Josh’s words were choppy. “Ple- plea- h-elp.”

 

He moved closer to his friend and pulled his head up. Josh tried weakly to hold onto Matt’s arms but his cold fingers simply slipped away. Matt looked into Josh’s eyes, the wild terror there scaring him. He had to do something, anything to reach his friend. Without thinking he pressed his lips to Josh’s, holding them there for a moment before pulling back. It seemed as if Josh had stopped breathing all together.

 

Matt panicked, “Josh! C’mon man! You need to breathe!”

 

            He blinked slowly, his eyes losing focus for a second before finding Matt’s again, and he took a small breath. Matt laughed out his relief. He hadn’t killed his best friend. It was going to be okay.

 

            “Wh-what was that?” Josh’s voice was barely there, his words still stuttering as his heart took it’s time slowing down, but Matt heard him.

 

            “You were freakin’ out Josh, you had a panic attack.” Matt explained.

 

            Josh shook his head as best he could, Matt’s hands still on each side of his face, holding him. “No… I m-mean the kiss… What was that?”

 

            It was Matt’s turn to stop breathing. “I… I don’t-”

 

            Josh watched him closely, his blue eyes intense. “Di-did you mean it?”

 

            “What?” Matt was shocked. He had expected his friend to be furious.

 

            Josh ducked his head, successfully pulling out of Matt’s grasp. “Never mind… I-I shouldn’t h-have asked.”

 

            Matt didn’t know what to say, but Josh started speaking again, his eyes still cast away from Matt, before he could try.

 

            “I- I didn’t want to,” he whispered.

 

            Matt was horrified, “Josh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to force you or-”

 

            Josh cut him short, “No, not you…my nightmare. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t stop, in the beginning.”

 

            “What happened?” Matt’s voice was soft, soothing, but his mind was still racing.

 

            “I- I had a razor…” Josh stopped, sucking in a deep breath before he could go on. “It was everywhere, the blood. And by the end of it, I didn’t want to stop… That’s the worst part, I wanted it again, Matt, I wanted it so bad. I had to, I couldn’t feel anything else, why couldn’t I feel anything else?” Josh’s voice had become distant, the memory pulling him back again.

 

            Matt didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to respond. Josh’s eyes found Matt’s again and they were wide. Matt moved forward slightly.

 

            “You don’t have to tell me this. You don’t have to.” He told his best friend.

 

            Josh shook his head, “I do. It’s the only way.” He swallowed loudly. “And then it was really happening, I was losing control, but you were there. Thank you for being there…”

 

            “I’ll always be there, Josh. Always, whenever you need me.” Matt pulled Josh into a hug and the taller man melted into him.

 

            After a while of holding his best friend, exhaustion caught up to Matt again and he pulled away to discover Josh, too, was close to sleep. Matt smiled and moved to pull himself and Josh up, using the foot of the bed for leverage when he couldn’t manage on his own.

 

            “Come on, big guy, you need your beauty rest.” Matt pulled Josh to the side of the bed and made him lie down on the mattress.

 

            Before Matt could pull away he felt a soft touch, Josh had wrapped his fingers around Matt’s wrist. “Please don’t go.” He said quietly.

 

            Matt paused, “You want me to stay?”

 

            Josh nodded, “Please… I need you.” His fingers loosened from Matt’s wrist though, as he seemed to think better of his request. “But…but only if you want to.”

 

            Matt didn’t move, not at first, but when his friend squeezed his eyes shut and rolled away Matt had no other choice. There was no way he was holding back now, not when he had this chance. He pulled the blanket up and slipped between the sheets, lying close enough to Josh to wrap his arm around his friend’s waist, but he held back.

 

            Josh had turned again, surprised when he felt the weight on his mattress, to see Matt beside him, watching him. Without thinking Josh jolted towards the younger man and threw his arm over his friend’s waist, and allowed his head to rest on Matt’s warm chest. Josh was even more surprised when he felt Matt’s arm squeeze his shoulders, pulling him closer into the embrace.

 

            “Go to sleep, Joshy. I’ll be here when you wake up,” Matt told him.

 

            Josh let out a contented sigh before closing his eyes and letting sleep take him, for once not being afraid of what might be waiting for him in the darkness.

 

            Matt held his best friend long after he had fallen asleep and even after Matt’s own eyes had closed to rest.

 

*          *          *

 

            “What’s going on in here?”

 

            The confused voice pulled Matt out of a deep sleep. He opened his eyes to find Mike and Ian looking down at him. He closed his eyes again and mumbled a response, “Get outta my room. Tryin’ to sleep.”

 

            Mike laughed, “That’s the problem, buddy, this isn’t your room.”

 

            Matt was confused until he felt something move against his chest. His eyes flashed open and he looked down to see a still sleeping Josh cuddling closer to him than before, his arm still draped over his abdomen. “It wasn’t a dream,” he muttered.

 

            “Oh, now that’s sweet right there,” Ian said with a smile.

 

            Mike laughed. “I told you this was gonna happen.”

 

            Ian scoffed, “Yeah, you did. Good call. But I’ll tell ya, I never thought it actually would.”

 

            Matt was frowning by now, “Will you two shut up? He had a really rough night.”

 

            “Oh I bet he did,” Mike joked.

 

            Matt shook his head in frustration, trying to make sure Josh continued to sleep while also trying to get his friends off his case. “He had a nightmare, not a sleep over, and it was followed by a panic attack. Wanna joke with me now?”

 

            Mike and Ian sobered. “Is he okay?” Mike asked.

 

            Matt sighed, “Yeah, I think so. It was really tough seeing him like that.”

 

            “So how did you end up in his bed?” Ian asked and Mike elbowed his arm.

 

            Matt let his head fall back on the pillow and sighed a little louder. “Okay, fine. I kissed him. I kissed my best friend and he didn’t want me to leave. He didn’t want to be afraid to sleep and he sure didn’t seem afraid of me after I did what I did, so I stayed.”

 

            Mike and Ian were smiling again and by this time Josh was stirring awake.

 

            “What’s going on?” Josh asked, his voice still soft with sleep. “Why is everyone in my room?”

 

            “How are you, man?” Ian asked.

 

            Josh shrugged and hugged Matt closer, seemingly not bothered by being found in bed with him by their two friends. “Fine, I guess.”

 

            “You want us to leave you alone for a bit?” Mike asked.

 

            Josh nodded and spoke quietly, “Yeah, I need to ask Matt somethin’.”

 

            Mike and Ian politely complied and left the room, they even took the time to close the door on their way out. Matt’s heart began to race as he resisted the urge to call his friends back into the room as collateral. His uncertainty grew when Josh didn’t speak up immediately; the taller man rubbing circles into matt’s side with his thumb.

 

            “What- uh, what did you want to ask?” Matt questioned.

 

            There was another long pause before Josh spoke. “Did you mean it?”

 

            There it was the same question, the same one that had stopped Matt in his tracks just a few hours before. The same question Josh had asked right after Matt had kissed him.

 

            Matt cleared his throat, still unsure if taking the risk was the right thing. Just then, though, Josh looked at him, his friend’s beautiful blue eyes meeting his own. Matt could see the worry there and it made his choice for him.

 

            “Of course I did,” he whispered.

 

            “What does it mean then?” Josh asked.

 

            “What do you want it to mean Joshy?”

 

            “I- I want it to mean everything.”

 

            Matt’s heart jumped and a small smile formed on his lips. He reached up with his free hand and ran his fingers along Josh’s jaw. “But you already mean everything to me, what does that make this now?”

 

            Josh seemed to hold his breath, “More.”

 

            Matt’s smile was full blown now, “I wanna ask you something too Joshy.”

 

            Josh swallowed hard. “Okay.”

 

            “Do you love me?”

 

            Josh seemed scared, “Wh-what?”

 

            Matt chuckled, “Cause I sure as hell love you.”

 

            “You do?” Josh’s eyes were wide with shock.

 

            Right then they could hear Ian shout through the door, “Of course he does, you idiot, who else could put up with you other than someone that loves you?”

 

            Matt and Josh could also hear Mike, “Really Ian? Are you being serious right now? The guy just professes his love and you’re gonna go and ruin the moment like that?”

 

            “Will you two pipe down out there?” Matt called.

 

            Josh laughed, hiding his head in the crook of Matt’s neck, and they heard no more noise for the moment.

 

            “I’d apologize for them but we both know that no amount of apology would make up for it,” Matt joked.

 

            Josh just smiled. “I do.”

 

            “What?” Matt had lost his train of thought.

 

            “I do love you, I always have.” Josh blushed and hid his eyes away again.

 

            Matt’s heart stuttered in his chest at his friend’s confession. He pulled Josh’s face up to his own to look in his eyes. “You have no idea how good those words make me feel.”

 

            Josh smiled brightly and leaned in, Matt meeting him halfway. Their lips collided in a soft kiss before they broke away in laughter when they heard Ian calling through the door again.

 

            “What’s happening?!” The shout followed by a smacking sound. “Ouch! Hey! What was that for Mike?”

 

            “You know damn well what that was for. Now shut up, I’m trying to listen,” Mike replied.

 

            Matt ignored them both and looked down at Josh, the man that he loved, still in his arms. He brushed the blue and black bangs away from his friends face and laid a small kiss on his forehead.

 

            “I hate to say it, but that nightmare may have been the best thing to ever happen to me,” Matt said.

 

            Josh smiled, “I couldn’t agree more.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was maybe the second fic I ever wrote. I hope you like it (anyone who reads).


End file.
